I miss him

:(

Tony is away for work today and tomorrow. I hate it when he is gone. By the time I see him, it will have really been since Monday night as I wasn't awake properly at whatever time he said goodbye to me this morning. The house just seems so empty, but it is the bed that is the worst, without him. I know in the scheme of things it is only a couple of days and at least I have the kids. I don't know how people cope when they are separated for long periods of time.

He just sent me a phone camera picture of himself and rang to say goodnight. I wish he was here.

My sweetie

Rubbish picture, but I can't be bothered to get the camera back out.

She looks so angelic, eh. Let's just say I hope the terrible twos end when she turns three. She's still my gorgeous girl, she looks so much older than 2.

Little bear

This is Katie's best friend. She got her at Christmas as a decoration and fell in love with her. She sleeps with her and takes her everywhere. She's had her head broken off and both wings broken and has been fixed all except one wing. That doesn't matter, she still loves her :)

The foot :)

I fudged the last attempt. Try again.

The pictures aren't overly graphic, but there are some healing scars and a plaster with dried blood.

I'm delighted with the results =)

I saw it, I saw it

Tony took Jack to his appointment and then picked me up, so I could take him back to work and Jack back to school, as he was running low on time. I only glimpsed his foot in his splint looking over my shoulder and it looked good, but I didn't get a full inspection until I got him back to school. I am OVER THE MOON!!!!

Without the splint, his foot looks as close to straight as I had hoped. He is VERY, very sensitive and still looks a little swollen, he flinches even just sitting on the floor and it touching the carpet. His wounds look well healed, although there is still one plaster to remove which has some of dried blood under it. That has probably been there since the February op, yuck, and his skin is again very dry and irritated, but it looks awesome.

I didn't want to bother him, so I only checked out the angle of his foot in relation to his leg, I'll see if he lets me see how far up the foot has been brought to see if he now has a heel. I'll probably give him a couple of days to regain some sensation before I bath him.

I'll take some pictures later, it really is remarkable.

I'm such a sucker

So, Katie only goes to playgroup 2 mornings per week and last month they got a photographer in to take pictures of the kids. They gave me my sample today...how could I refuse that smile. She looks so old on it! I actually thought it would be more expensive than it was - £21 for everything. As I was walking home with it, I was thinking "please don't give me all of these pictures and then not be able to afford them" so I was pleasantly surprised. She looks so cute. I'll take a digi pic of it later.

I got one 8.75X7, two 7X5.5 and six 4.5x3.5. Odd sizes, but hey. Allegedly the individual prices add up to £47. Now, where am I going to put them all because I don't have enough people to give them to, lol.

No, it wasn't that simple

Whatever put Ben in a good mood the other day when going to sleep was a fluke. Back to screaming again, where he acts like it's the first time he's ever been put down to sleep. Silly boy.

Jack almost has his cast off

I wrote this elsewhere, but why reinvent the wheel. Copy & Paste ;-)

Jack has an appointment on Friday to see if his AFO - little plastic leg/ankle brace - fits correctly. I think that means when they take his cast off, it comes off for good! It's only been 3 months (obviously a new one with each op) .

His surgeon said he only needed his current one to maintain position until his brace was ready, so I can't see why they'd cast him again, especially as he doesn't see the surgeon again until June. Unless they've messed up on the measurements.

I'm really excited to see how it looks. I'm trying not to build my hopes up, but secretly I want to see it straight. That was the intention of the surgeries, but I was really disappointed when he had his first op 18 months ago as I expected it to be straight and it wasn't. This series was a lot more intensive. Tony doesn't want me to get my hopes up, but I have.

Love him though! Really bad day which started with Ben having an explosive nappy all over the couch this morning, poor guy hasn't been well since the weekend, Jack pulling his whole g-tube out 10 minutes before his school bus arrived - it is no fun sticking it back into an open hole in your child's stomach, yuck - and then Ben puking all over my new clothes and freshly washed carpet. Needless to say, a tearful phone call to him at work where I felt like I just wanted to run away and this wasn't even 9am yet... he sent me flowers this afternoon :).

I messed up when I confirmed his appointment for 11.30 as I forgot I needed to pick Katie up at playgroup at 12, so Tony is taking him and I hope he comes home with just his splint. Did I say I was excited?!!

Slow down child

My daughter has to be the most clumsy child I have ever known. She has never really hurt herself, but she is just so... clumsy. That sounds really mean to say, but it is true. She will trip over apparent thin air, shouldn't she be outgrowing this by now? She did hit her physical milestones very late, but her co-ordination could definitely see some improvement. Sigh.

We're also still waiting for an appointment to get her heart checked out. Seriously. A 2yr old with unexplained episodes of blue lips, who has a brother with a serious heart condition (albeit, due to his Down syndrome) and a father who had a heart attack in his early 30's is not considered a priority? Without checking back in my blog, it must be at least 4-6 weeks ago that I took her to the doctor. Haven't even received a letter to say she is on any kind of waiting list. Don't get me wrong, when the kids actually do get to see the doctors, I can't fault the service or care, but this bureaucracy in the meantime is so frustrating.

Could it be?

Could it really be that simple? Ben has always freaked out when going to bed. He is fine until you put him down and then starts screaming... and I mean, screaming! He's fine after a few minutes, but every time he acts like it is the first time he has been put to bed, I mean, we do this every single day little guy, it isn't a big surprise. Katie was never like that, you'd just put her down and she'd go to sleep or talk to herself and would wake up the same. He does have some toys in his cot, but for some reason as I put him down this morning, I handed him a rattle and he just lay down and held it out and looked at it. Quiet. I did the same this afternoon, rattle in his hand before his back hit the mattress, fine. Tonight, 2 rattles, lol, he lay, he looked, he didn't make a sound. I peeked in 10 minutes later and he was sound asleep and snoring.

I hope I don't jinx myself, but man if that is all it took?? Kids!! No matter how many children you have or how competent as a mother you feel, they'll surprise you every step of the way :)

Ikea madness

I do love me some Ikea. Most of my household furnishings are from there. Ikea was the big 21 on Saturday and were offering 21% off all purchases to celebrate. Usually they are open 10-7 on Saturday, but on this occasion, it was 6am - midnight! My mam wanted some things too so the kids stayed at hers on Friday night so that Tony and I could get an early start. It seemed criminal to get up at 6am with no kids in the house, but we headed out, arrived at 6.45 and the car park (huge) was already 3/4 full. It was chaos!

We knew what we wanted - I made a list the night before - so went straight to the checkout to use the little machines to find the locations and went immediately for the items. We got almost everything we wanted, stored out trolley and went for our free breakfast :). Then took a leisurely stroll around for any extras and went back to find our missing items had since been re-stocked. The checkout queues were much smaller too. Result!

I spent the most I have ever spent at Ikea, but half of it was for my mam and we saved £170 ($340) with the discount. I was just going to arrange to visit a couple of nights before when I saw the offer online for Saturday, so I'm really glad I caught that. I would have hated to be working that day.

Birthday celebrations

We went out to a restaurant, actually I think it is the first real restaurant the kids have been to, to celebrate my mam's birthday. It was us, mam, brother and girlfriend, sister and boyfriend. It was a really fab lunch. I was worried about Jack, but the attention he was getting from the waiters and his favourite uncle put him in a mighty fine mood. Maybe it is just us he doesn't like ;-P. Seriously though, he was having the time of his life so I was very relieved to have a nice peaceful time. Especially funny when my sister asked the waiters to do something for mother. It was an Italian restaurant, they seem to have a flamboyant nature, so they got her up in front of EVERYONE to sing happy birthday. She was so embarrassed. Then they pretended to drop a cup of coffee (empty) on her. Katie wouldn't eat her dinner, but Ben was a really good boy so it was all good! Well, until we got back to Paul's (brother) and Ben decided to be sick all over his carpet. Ooops.

Argh, Jack!

I have had it. I am so angry with him right now, why the heck does he behave the way he does? There is just no reason for it whatsoever. Bad afternoon. Bad, bad afternoon. I am sick of this. This started a month before he turned two, 2.5 years ago now, cannot go anywhere, cannot do anything without him freaking out. People look at him and think he is an angel, but he is not. I don't know whether to hit something or cry. Thank god school is back on Monday. How are we ever going to be able to do anything as a family?

"They" say he'll be in developmental stages for prolonged periods and this is his version of the terrible twos. BS. I know all about 2 yr old tantrums (thank you, Katie) and even in full swing it was not EVERY SINGLE TIME WE STEPPED OUT OF THE HOUSE. There has got to be more, but get this, the psychologists are discharging him from their service because there isn't anything else they can do/suggest. (Insert hysterical laughter), thanks a lot.

Ok, crying it is. I just can't do this any more. And it makes it even worse when he does have the rare good spell like at the hospital on Wednesday, because the difference to my life, to us all, if he would just act like that more often would be indescribable.

At least they've all gone to bed for a nap, at the same time. One hour of peace if I'm lucky.

He's fine :)

Jack did great. How come his behaviour is always best at hospital? He was in one of the best moods I've ever seen him in. He was adorable, charming everyone, would not stop "talking". When we were en route to the theatre, he waved at every single person he passed. As he was wheeled up the corridor to the anaesthetic room (whatever it's called, lol) it was surreal as each theatre has its own door and we were up to number 18 and it seemed like someone was leaving/entering each room as we passed and he was waving and saying "hiya, hiya". He had a fab time! Like last time, he strongly resisted the gas mask. For such a weak boy who only really has the use of one arm, he can be strong when he wants. Once I got him pinned down and he had a few breaths, he then started giggling, that was so cute. I like the drunk stage. Not so much when he just goes limp. But, it's done.

To make an already boring day even worse, the ward he was on had a power cut. Obviously all emergency monitors, etc had their own backup, but it meant nothing else worked. No tv, no fan (it is far too hot in hospitals), man, I was going nuts just sitting alone in a chair until he was in recovery. He wasn't down too long. I never know what to expect, sometimes he is fine waking up, other times he really struggles. As I turned the corner, I saw a nurse holding him so I thought he must be upset, then she turned him around and he was smiling like nothing had happened and again was just such a good boy. I tell you, if he behaved like that even 50% of the time my life would be easy.

So, we're in the final stretch. I didn't get to see anything, but all the wires are gone, they took an impression of his foot to measure him for his splint and put a new cast back on until it's ready. *Should* be within 10 days, I'll not hold my breath. At least this one stops below the knee. Poor guy has been in a cast to his upper thigh since January, I'm not sure he knows how to bend it any more! His skin is extremely dry around his knee, so I've lathered him up with cream and he's napping now. Glad it all went without a hitch.

Heading to hospital

Just about to leave. Today is surgery day. Jack is first on the surgery list so I'm hoping we'll be home just after lunch time. I think he's coming home with a new cast, but it would be great to see how his foot looks. Almost all over.

Hope it all goes ok for the little guy, last time he really fought the anaesthesia.

Little chimp

Tony taught Ben how to get down from the sofa the other day without just lunging head first. He does it all the time now, very quick, just turns around and clings on until his feet touch the floor. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing! He's cruising well now. Still not standing alone or walking, but that boy is fast where ever he goes. His latest nickname is Bobo, I can't remember where it came from, but even Jack calls out "Bobo" when I'm calling for Ben, heh heh.

Katie is being so 2! Fake crying when she doesn't get her own way and generally being a pretty big pain in the you know what.

Quiet couple of days coming up to get through to Wednesday at the hospital with Jack.

Public toilets

I really despise them and will only go to one in an absolute dire emergency. Even more so now when you look up and suddenly realise your 2 yr old is just about to lift the latch on the door and expose everything to the outside world!

Do you think she'd object to one of these things at her age? ;-)

Interest rate cut

UK interest rate has been cut to 5%. Thank you!

Our mortgage has gone up and up since we moved, it was worrying, the housing market is in real decline at the moment. Most banks will probably not pass this onto the customer on a variable rate deal, but luckily ours tracks the base rate, so it will take effect from May.

Our 2 year tie in finishes in August, whereby the discount we have goes bye bye. It is the worst possible time given the current lack of consumer confidence, banks are pulling deals all over the place. I really hope it picks up in the next couple of months so we can get a good rate when the time comes, we have a lot still to pay!

Well, finally!

So how long has it taken for that hospital to give me any information? I/we rang every day and I think they were starting to get annoyed - well, if you say you'll call by x and you don't, then yes, I'm going to chase you again.

Jack goes in next Wednesday for the final operation. I'm so glad this will all be over soon. Technically, he could be out of the cast then, but it will probably take around 2 weeks for his AFO's and we don't want to risk any turning back of his foot. Poor kid has been in a full leg cast since January! I'm so nervous to see the results.

MMR

Ben got his MMR jab today. Little guy was mad, but only for 10 seconds, then has been happy as a clam all afternoon. Go figure.

I got to the bank and exchanged my heart monitor (new one seems to work well, but I'll try it out properly tomorrow), so it was a fruitful afternoon.

We finally got a quote to convert the garage to a playroom/sensory/development room for the kids. For Jack really, but I'm sure they'll all have fun. We have the option to apply for a disablement facilities grant from the council to fund the work, but the situation is ridiculous. The city (very large one) only has one occupational therapist! One, for the entire city, adult or child. To even get an assessment, the waiting list is like 12-18 months, never mind how long it would take to get a yes or no, then however long to organise the work. We just can't wait that long given the level of his delays.

So, even though it's going to wipe out our savings, I think it will be well worth it. Work will start in apx 6 weeks and should only take a couple of weeks. We are desperate for the space, I can't even imagine what our house is going to be like with all the kids' toys and Jack's equipment out of the way. Tony usually does a huge amount of DIY work, but he's done so much already so we're going to get the builder to do everything and Tony will only need to decorate. I can't wait now.

Just call me Grumpy

Everything is annoying me today. So much so that I had to make a list.
In no particular order.

1. I wasted 20 minutes of my precious time going to the bank to deposit lots of coins I had diligently counted hours earlier. I discovered banks don't work 9-5 these days... 9.30 - 4.30, I arrived at 4.33. That bag was heavy!

2. Since I don't think I'll ever be lucky enough to get what is at the top of my wish list Garmin 405 Forerunner I decided to get a cheap heart rate monitor as I'm not sure if I'm working too hard to be effective. Well, cheap is cheap I guess. The box was brand new, the watch display was on when I opened it (I was sitting outside of Tony's work by this point), 30 seconds later - nothing! Totally dead. I'll have to take that back tomorrow. Plus point, it's just up from the bank so I can do that too.

3. "Tear here" strips on food packaging. They NEVER work!!! Argh. Who tests these things? Which brings me to...

4. Stickers. When you buy something and they place a sticker directly onto the product and they are not easy peel - why, why, why? I just want to buy something, take the sticker off without spending 20 minutes getting it all off and then be left with a stupid glue mark on it.

I saved the best for last.

5. My cooker. OMG, OMG, OMG, can I repeat that over and over again? Not as in " how totally exciting", but "omg, I don't flipping believe this $@!#". It is almost 18 months old, I have hated the hob since day one, even blogged about it once. The oven - great, the hob - not so much. It is touch control, ceramic and was very expensive. The number of times I have *cursed* that thing. Literally will take 20 minutes to bring something to the boil (and that is with already kettle boiled water). The number of meals ruined because of timing issues.

Today I was making Ben some pasta and accidentally brushed against one of the controls and a little . I had never seen before appeared next to the ring. I didn't know what I'd pressed and couldn't get rid of it, so I just switched it off. When Tony and I came to make dinner tonight, Enchiladas, yum, the . was still there when I switched it on. I pressed a couple of buttons and noticed : had come on next to the ring. Eh? Then noticed the ceramic went super bright. OMG!!!!!! The power has always indicated 1-9, but after experimenting, I've now discovered you need to press for the ring which will give a low heat, press it again for medium and again for rapid heat. How stupid! The rice pan boiled in like 3 minutes.

18 months! Of course, did I ever read the instructions?? I remember reading over and over about the oven as it has tons of functions, fan, no fan, pizza baking (?) blah, blah, so how can I not remember the hob bit? Surely if I'd seen it I would have known what to do.

Sorry that bit is so long, but you have no idea how frustrating it has been. Now I can cook properly, so it's a grumpy point to start with, but I'm now so excited to see how fast I can cook things. The chicken actually sizzled tonight! Never been known ;-)

I have a new blog

I created a new blog to keep track of all my runs and fitness progress - the boring stuff that not many people want to wade through ;-).

I am incredibly into this now, I might even go as far as to say I love it! Running?! Yep, I detested it to start with but it has freed my mind like you would not believe. This is the only thing I have done for me in almost 5 years.

http://kaysdeerunning.blogspot.com/

On the verge

So, so close.

I weighed myself this morning. UK weight is typically in stones and pounds. There are 14 pounds to a stone.

My "realistic" goal was to just break 10 stone (140lb). I haven't been under that in what must be 6 years now. Stepped on the scale this morning, it flashed 9st 13lb (139), then flickered to 10st, flickered back, then settled at 10.0!

I ran this morning and did the elliptical this afternoon, allegedly burning 630 cals so I hope I get my 9st 13 tomorrow. Even if it says 9st 13.9 ;-)

I have worked really hard and am over the moon. Nothing really happened for the first 6-8 weeks and then it all came off (if I get to 139, that'll be I think 12lb, I can't remember what I counted as my starting weight). I'm 3 months in now. Still a way to go, but compared to before, I am happy! I even got my first compliment today. I don't see very many people often, but I met with Jack's psychologist for the first time in a couple of months today and the first thing she said was "wow, have you lost weight" :). Come to find out she is also a runner so she's going to get some information for me on regular running groups/races since the only things I can seem to find are like charity runs where you really need sponsorship.

So, I'm in a better mood. For now, lol.

He is so cute!!!

Ben babbles alllll the time. Actually, he likes to growl often ;-)
Yet, he doesn't really have any words. A while ago he was sort of saying hi, but he doesn't even say dada/mama or anything.

Tonight he was in rare form though. When he's been eating lately it sounds like he has been copying "all gone" a few times, but he said it as clear as a bell tonight! I rushed for the camera, but the battery was DEAD, as in wouldn't even switch on. Bummer. That would have been good. He kept saying it and was looking so proud. Tony was saying "hiya, Ben" to him and he kept repeating "hiya" and laughed.

I know I need to post a recent picture, he is just gorgeous if I do say so myself.

What is wrong with people?

The other day we took the kids to the supermarket and the best chance of not being screamed at from start to finish with Jack is to go to the cafe first. Since he can't eat, who knows why this *sometimes* helps, lol. Anyway, I was with the kids at the table while Tony was getting some drinks and this woman behind me gets up to leave. Jack had been waving at her and saying "hi lady". The words he does have aren't always crystal clear, but he was definitely saying that. Anyway, she says hello to him, gives me the typical "my you have your hands full" and then says to me "my daughter had a baby who was "like him", but she had lots wrong with her and she, you know, died a few months later. Well, bye". WTH? I mean what do you say to something like that?? I felt awful afterwards. Ok, Jack doesn't have any life or death issues, but the thought is always there, always. Much more than with the normal worry over your kids. Who says these things in passing to a complete stranger?

Gah.

Just occurred to me

Can anyone see my run widgets? I've just been looking at something on my Nike account and I came across something which makes me question if non-account holders can see them. If I can only see them on here because of my cookies, that's not going to be much good, lol.

Not that it's a matter of life and death for anyone ;-), but I'll take them off if they aren't even visible. If not, you'll probably be thinking "what is she talking about" on my Personal Best blog - it was a cool little graph of my run.

I don't know

I feel like I am becoming really depressed lately and I don't know why. My stress levels are through the roof and like I'm under a huge cloud. I'd hate to be my kids these days, I have zero patience.

I just feel "upset" and that I have no support, which is stupid because I guess that isn't true.

Jack's IEP

I had a meeting with Jack's school today regarding his IEP for next year. I am happy that they are so dedicated to the kids there. His focus will be on communication, physical development and oral feeding. We were comparing it to his 2006 IEP and he has made so many advances, I'm hoping we can say the same next year.

Still trying to find out what is happening with Jack's next surgery. It was supposed to be 3 weeks ago (nothing even scheduled, they just said "in 4 weeks" when he had his last op), then when I saw his surgeon for Ben they said "at 6 weeks" (which would have been last week) and now we are another week on and still not even a date.

I managed to get through to his secretary who said "ooh, I don't know anything about his waiting lists" (insert rolling eyes icon here), but she checked his diary up to the 7th May and said there is nothing scheduled for Jack. I then spoke to the hospital waiting list co-ordinator who had no clue and tried to put me back through to the secretary before I told her I'd already spoken to her, then she was going to "find out" and ring me back. No phone call. They had better call me tomorrow, this is ridiculous. It's not just the fact he's still in a cast all the way up to his mid thigh for the past 7 weeks, but he also has k-wires still in his leg/foot and who knows how his wounds are inside. Get it sorted!