Goodbye my breast friend

I stuck to my word and Ben was breastfed for the last time yesterday. Today is the first time he has never had breast milk. It has been very, very difficult (for me). It was the right time though. He was only feeding once a day and getting very little volume. If that was the only problem, I'd have just continued until he stopped himself, but his latch is crazy so it hurts bad and the pain/blisters weren't worth what he was getting.

I have been so tempted to try just "one last time", but I'm going to be a big girl and resist. Who would have thought. I was never keen to even try breastfeeding, but letting go has been weird. I am not this type of person at all, I didn't think I would ever be this bothered!

Still, our last feeding experience was everything I had wished it to be so we are finishing on a high.

9 Months

Happy 9 months to Ben!!

I find it absolutely staggering that 9 months have passed, it's crazy. He is growing up so quickly. Luckily, he's just a little thing, so he doesn't seem too old ;-)

We're still making slow progress on mobility, but he's now spinning and going backwards in his attempts to move around. Poor thing doesn't have much opportunity with his brace so I'm not sure how he would get to crawl, but he is healthy and happy and just gorgeous.

Jack's surgery cancelled

Will write more later. I'm pretty disappointed, it won't be until after christmas now. It sets any physical development back months now. If only they had done it last month when they were supposed to - the doctor went on holiday. He only developed a blister in the last few days, which turned to a scab, but it is an infection risk so a no go.

Gruesome

I forgot to mention yesterday. There were reports on the radio in the morning of a woman's body being found a couple of miles from us. We were dropping off a piece of furniture for my brother's girlfriend's mother and on the way home drove RIGHT PAST the scene.

You know you see on the news the police tapes/cordon and the white tent? I guess you get a bit desensitised to seeing things like that, but actually seeing it in real life made me feel a bit weird. I mean, not 20 meters away was some poor murdered woman, I could see the forensics guys in the white suits. I don't know how old she was or the circumstances, but it was "real", wondering what happened to her, what her last moments were like, if she had family.

Don't really wish to see anything like that again!

Vacancy

Tonight Tony & I made Parmesan Chicken that I got from J05 a while back.

OMG, it was delicious!! Very tasty. I will definitely, definitely be making it again sometime. We had buttered linguine, the meal was to die for. Complemented by a rather nice bottle of wine. We really don't drink so after one bottle between us (at 11% volume) we were both a little tipsy. I forgot to take the Lemon Meringue out of the freezer though, boo hoo.

We settled down to watch Vacancy. It started ok, I was definitely jumping when people just popped up from nowhere, but the end was a bit disappointing, it just seemed to stop and I was thinking "eh?". I still didn't want to go into the garage by myself to get our ice cream though ;-). We had popcorn and it was just a nice evening. We should do that more often.

Jack's birthday party

Was today. He had a lovely time. The picture of us all in his birthday post was actually from today. Can you tell Katie was very excited? She sang Happy Birthday many times and was just in love with the presents, balloons, CAKE!!! Jack did very well with the wrapping paper and doing his signs for "thank you".

It was a little awkward. Only my side of the family were there. My parents are divorced, my dad is remarried. My mother "still loves" my dad after all of these years so there was a little atmosphere and didn't look very happy. She was a totally different person when it was all over. This is the only time they see each other and having 3 kids now, there are obviously more birthdays and it kind of makes me want to just do separate things, but that is a pain. I did think my dad was a bit silly to have my step-nephew (2) sing "Sandy" to Jack. He wouldn't have done it deliberately, but I was cringing a bit when my dad is singing with him when she was in the room -

"Sandy can't you see, I'm in misery
we made a start, now we're apart,
there's nothing left for me
love has flown, all alone
I sit and wonder whyyy oh why
you left me oh Sandy".

!

Jack has also done very, very well in the car this weekend. Since he is more motivated by praise from his teachers than us, we're introducing a reward system whereby if he is good at home and doesn't cry in the car, getting dressed, shops etc, he gets a star that he takes to school and they really go to town with congratulating him. I don't think it will be long before he makes the connection so hopefully we will see some improvement. I haven't tested it in the shops yet, but the car was definitely a much more pleasant experience. We were even stuck in traffic and had to wait quite a long time to pick up a delivery and he was ok!

Scammed!

Oh boy.

We just "bought" a new TV. What a great deal because yes, it doesn't exist! The website for the company is down, emails and calls unanswered, many people on a forum I got the tip off from haven't received deliveries. Not good news. This is the first time in all the years I've been buying online that something has gone wrong.

I have some protection as I paid by my credit card, so I'm just waiting to see if they'll do a charge back. I guess this will take some time though and since my credit card bill is due for payment on Tuesday we're still going to be out of pocket. Happy Christmas, eh.

My poor girl

She fell over at toddler group and split her lip open. LOTS of blood. I felt awful for her, she was very brave though.

Ben had his appointment for his foot. Another huge waste of time. I thought it was to see the doctor, but it was just the physio. Nothing happened so I didn't see any purpose for why we were there.

He's back on the 3rd December to get measured for a different type of brace to hopefully help him stop pushing his way out of the shoes and getting awful blisters.

Happy Birthday Jack!!!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Jack
Happy Birthday to you!

4 years old. Wow. Time flies.

No sweets!

Man, this has been hard. How long has it been now, 2-3 weeks? Jelly sweets (Haribo) were my main addiction. Yum, the sour ones, my mouth is watering while typing... Tangfastics, Starmix, boo hoo. I just love them and they were easy to eat since I don't eat properly during the day. I haven't had any since the last time I said I was going to quit/cut back.

Of course, yes, I do still have the odd chocolate and biscuit, but at least it's not chocolate, biscuits *and* jellies. I could seriously eat a whole pack in a few days. I miss them like mad, but I'm holding out. Once I get my treadmill back, I'm going to start running again too. I've noticed my pants are a little looser, but I REALLY need to get rid of some flab and get toned up.

I guess we'll be done with breast feeding next week - I don't even want to post about that yet as I feel like crying every time - so I can really work on my diet and exercise.

Aren't people funny

As in strange, weird, bizarre... I don't think anything really surprises me any more.

Got to love the internet.

That is all.

Busy, busy.

I can't even remember what I've been doing to excuse the poor upkeep of my blog.

Friday night Jack and Katie stayed overnight with my mam, so it was lovely to recharge the batteries. Tony & I went food shopping (exciting stuff ;-) ) and on a whim ordered a new all singing, all dancing TV for christmas. If it comes to fruition, it was a VERY good bargain, saved around £600.

Saturday morning was lovely. I feel awful saying that. Ben was so pleasant and we were all up, dressed and out the house by 9.15 to run a few errands. That doesn't usually happen in our house, lol! Tony fitted the carpet in the boys' room. Once I tidy it up - after the hurricane called Katie - I'll finally take some pictures.

Sunday was a bit harder. Jack was in a stinking mood. Tony laid the tiles in the bathroom floor so things are progressing nicely to hopefully get a few rooms finally done for christmas. I hope that doesn't pressure him if he reads this. I don't expect them to be done, he's pretty tired and needs to start revising for his next exam in January, but from what I can tell, the main hard work is done.

I'm breathing a peaceful sigh for school today :)

It's Jack's birthday on Wednesday. He doesn't really understand that yet, though does love singing happy birthday so he should enjoy that part. I'm think his class will throw him a little tea party. I don't know if we're doing anything for him (as in take him out when he's home from school) on the day, to be honest I don't think he would enjoy anything, but we'll see. We're having his party on Saturday. He is getting a giant talking Pooh bear, it's nearly bigger than him, and some pop up/lift up flap books that he is going to love!

Potty training

Don't you just love it! Not.

I started to introduce her to it in September and it was a disaster.

We have actually had some success so far today at her initiation. Katie asked to go back to bed very early, around 10am and although I didn't believe her, I took her upstairs. When we got up, she said she needed the toilet! She has never wanted to sit on the toilet, the few times she has gone have been on the potty downstairs, so I sat her on it. She didn't do anything and then said "no more baby nappies", I was amazed. I thought it couldn't suddenly be this easy, but was very positive with her about bye bye nappies, just for little babies like Ben, big girls have knickers and she readily put underwear on.

Fingers crossed we headed back downstairs - no, she really didn't want to go back to bed! I reminded her every so often she had no nappy and to tell me if she needed the potty/toilet, but tried to leave it to her. Very tiny accident when she was having lunch, but luckily she was sitting on a towel so it didn't even soak through. I told her it was alright and went to get her some more underwear. When I came back she had sat herself on the potty so I just left her while I went to do Ben's dinner. When I stood her up, I saw she had gone on the potty by herself, woo hoo. Singing, dancing, chocolate, cuddles, back into underwear, so far so good, almost 2pm now so she's off to bed in a minute.

It will probably be a different matter entirely when she gets up, but for now, I'll take any progress I can get :)

Hospital - this is going to be long, sorry.

So, you know that Radioactive guy from Heroes? That was me today. Have you ever been so ANGRY that you wanted to explode?

I get to the hospital with the kids at 11. Try for ages to find a parking space and can get nothing. I had to come back in 3 times and finally went for a disabled space (Jack has a permit) away from the hospital, same grounds, just not main area. I didn't want to use the carrier, so had Jack and Ben in the buggy and let Katie walk, fun.

Finally get the the ward and they direct me to the playroom. Small room, 3 kids myself, two other families there for pre-admission. Wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Nurse comes, takes a history, weighs him, SATS, temperature, BP, wait and wait and wait and wait. Lunch has been and gone. As Jack is tube fed he didn't get a hot meal and Katie was drooling at the other kids eating (in the playroom!) so I had to occupy her with a chicken sandwich, crisps, juice and yoghurt, set Jack up with his tube feed, feed Ben in the buggy.

Wait some more. One kid gets sent home as he has a cold so his surgery is put back, I'm left with the other family. Outgoing lady, talking non-stop, not always to me, just herself, singing at the radio. I'm beginning to get frustrated. Becomes clear we're there for the afternoon and won't be going to playgroup. Mr Bliss' SHO (junior?) stops by "I don't have your son's notes, why don't you start at the beginning, tell me all about him, why he's here".... KABOOM!!!!!!!!! Seriously! Where the f do you want me to start?? 4 years of his history, everything is relevant? I think she regretted asking due to all her writing. He's up to 3 files now in his notes, I am SICK TO DEATH OF "STARTING FROM THE BEGINNING" EVERY TIME HE GOES TO HOSPITAL - A LOT!!! I *just* gave the summary to the nurse with his current medication, I don't want to tell it to you again. I think I did very well to keep that reaction internal ;-).

Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

Katie is hyper by now, Ben has not slept a wink since 10.45, it's around 4pm at this point, he's screaming. 4.20, still haven't seen the doctor, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, throw something, beg for mercy. It wouldn't even be so bad if he had been given a bed on the ward - it was a small playroom!

Finally get to see the consultant. His surgery will be the 28th, on the basis his g-tube infection is cleared. He was due to be admitted on the 27th, but would literally be sitting in a bed doing nothing all day so persuaded him to let us come in early on the 28th. Yipee. One less night in hospital and Jack gets to make his school trip to see the christmas lights at the garden centre on the 27th.

He explains what is going to happen. He will open up Jack's leg and foot. Move some muscle, switch some tendons (don't know about the bone, Katie was tearing paper towels at this point) and put pins in his leg and cast him. He said it will be an extensive operation, almost seemed apologetic. He's a nice guy though so I am confident in him. He explained the risk of infection is high so he will not close the skin. As Jack's foot is not formed correctly, his skin is sort of fleshy and he said with the trauma it would not knit together at that stage, so he will recover in hospital maybe 3-4 days, come home and go back two weeks later. This second stage, he will manipulate the leg and foot further and can then stitch him up as the skin will be healed and cast him again. 4 weeks after this, he'll come back again (all of these are under general anaesthetic), another revision and remove the pins and he'll get the "final" cast? This one for 3 months. He says this is as much as he can do at this point. He does not think it will necessarily help Jack to walk or stand, but he'll have everything in place for if he does. He suspects more surgery in the future (I guess years down the line), but this is as good as he will get. Once he is healed, Jack will go into AFO's (ankle/leg supports).

I didn't get to ask about Ben, though he knows I will see him again next week. By this time it was almost 5pm and I had to leave to get Tony from work.

I was furious. Not at the doctor, just at the situation. Why did I have to be there almost 6 hours? I could have gone home and the kids could have had a 3 hour (yeah right, but in theory ;-) ) nap with the gap I was sat doing nothing. But of course "he'll be here soon". It is always one thing or another, the bureaucracy is crippling.

As I recounted this tale to Tony on the drive home he said "I'm kind of surprised you're in such a good mood". I wasn't in a good mood ;-). At this point though, it was either put the afternoon down to a bad experience and let it go, or I think I may have cracked up. Yes, I should have listened when he suggested last night I ask my mam to come to the hospital when she was finished work to take Katie and Ben home, but the past 3 times, we've been out by 1-1.30. I really wanted to take him to the toddler group. When it became obvious we were there for the long haul, it was too late. She has no car and would have had to get 2 buses to get there.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Breathe.

Nothing else to do but hope the infection gets cleared (6 days of antibiotics left), ring the hospital the night before his op to see what the nil by mouth (ha, nil by tube) instructions are and what time we need to go in for on the 28th.

I am really trying to have a positive attitude for all of this, but am failing miserably. I'm just on autopilot. I need to *live*. I don't know how may times I have sat and looked within myself and hated what I am seeing, what I am becoming, promising to do better tomorrow. My kids deserve a better mother, my husband a happier wife, I am so thankful for what I do have, why can't I show that? So, tomorrow....I will make it a better day.

PMS?

Are my monthly cycles returning? Is that why I feel so "depressed"/unable to cope with things? Hormones? I haven't had a period since Ben was born, so 17 months now? I'm still breastfeeding twice a day, but compared to when I was pumping, my output is probably way down. I've felt very crampy for the past few days, I bet it will be any time now. Shame, it has been fantastic not having to worry about periods! Of course the fertility bit is a moot point - Tony will be going for his first post vasectomy tests soon!

Speaking of breastfeeding... last week I said I was going to wean down over the next couple of weeks and stop at 9 months. Given all of our problems, it's a miracle we made it this far. When it comes to the crunch though, I don't know if it's the right choice. The pain is not too bad for twice a day and he may not be getting much volume in breast milk and has adjusted fine (with the exception of constipation) to the introduction of formula, but he still seems to enjoy it, even if it is only for a few minutes. Particularly in the morning, we're in bed, kinda sleepy, not yet thrust into the chaos of the big kids, it's just a nice few minutes of bonding. I know we could bond in other ways though. What to do, what to do...

Pre-op tests for Jack

I'm at the hospital with him tomorrow for all of the tests. Nothing major, meet with the doctor again to finalise things, probably do his SATS, weight, meet the anaesthetist etc, basically clear him for surgery. I don't know why they do it so far in advance. His surgery is on the 27th, but he has a bit of a stuffy nose right now. Of course I would never put him in any danger, but I hope it doesn't get put off again. It was supposed to be a month ago but the doctor was on holiday. This is getting into iffy territory as he always gets a cold during winter and it stays with him a long time. Hopefully he'll be good to go.

Ben's appointment was supposed to be on Thursday, but again it has been rescheduled for next week. What is it with this department??!! I really needed to see him about Ben's brace. He's getting bad blisters on his heels, but if I take the shoes off his feet are turning in. I'm going to ask him quickly if he'll advise. Don't know if he will without his notes, but can't hurt to ask.

Technically, we have to be at hospital from 11-4, yikes! He'll not go to school tomorrow. In the past it has never took that long, so if we get out by lunch, I'm going to attempt to take Jack to Katie and Ben's group. This could go very badly. I don't have any help so I am really worried about having all 3 kids at the hospital. Ben is a pretty good boy these days, but Jack and Katie are hard work. I would love for the people to meet him though, that is if he is good and doesn't scream at me!

In a funk

I was in a completely bad mood tonight. Don't know why, just couldn't shift out of it.

Maybe something to do with having spent 1.5-2 hours this afternoon with Jack's occupational therapist answering questions about him for his sensory profile.

They'll probably say that he is fine. Not sure if that is good (as he certainly doesn't need anything else to deal with) or bad (I'm just so desperate for a reason or answer and if there was something, maybe he could get some help or treatment).

I don't like myself on days like these.

Christmas shopping

I love it, I love Christmas!!! Granted, most of my shopping is online these days, but it is great when they arrive at the doorstep.

It is so hard when I have presents hidden to not just give them now. I've gotten a few bargains this year so had to buy early to get them and it's killing me to wait. Maybe I should wrap them up now so I'm not as tempted. I'm really only talking about Tony's presents here - if you're reading, nice try, I'm not revealing anything here!

Bonfire Night

Tonight is Bonfire Night so we went to see the fireworks. Unfortunately we had to leave Jack behind with my mam as he could not have coped with it, so we trekked out with Katie and Ben. It was the perfect night for fireworks - clear skies - but that means cold, so we wrapped up warm. Katie had been really looking forward to the fireworks. We took her for her first two years, but she was too young to notice so it was a bit of a surprise that she was frightened. I felt bad. She loved the quiet ones but she got a bit of a shock at the very big loud ones. Still, I cuddled her and she was ok by the end. Ben didn't flinch at any of them, he just chilled back and watched all the sparkles. I wish Jack could have been there (his OT is coming on Wednesday to do a sensory profile on him as the next step is to explore a sensory integration disorder for the behaviour), but he had a good time with nana.

We came home to baked jacket potatoes. Yum!


Preparing to come home, tired afterwards (Britax car seats in the UK don't have the chest straps I've seen on other pics. They are a 5 point harness, but the additional buckle joining the two shoulder straps looks a lot more secure, I wish they did have them).

The Lion King

I know, lots of tv and movie posts here.

Am I the only sap who feels a bit tearful/moved when he lifts the little cub up at the beginning and end? I've watched this cartoon many, many times and it still gets me.

I had to keep Katie occupied while I finally tackled some ironing (yes, I used the ironing board, not the little table, lol, and I never did get that drink!) so thought I'd put a DVD on.
It's the first time she's really seen a cartoon movie. I wanted to watch Finding Nemo (um, erm, I mean, for Katie), but the DVD player wouldn't recognise the disc. I'll be bummed if it's damaged. I'll try cleaning it later, Jack may have licked it the last time it was out.

She loved it. I thought she might have been a little scared at the fighting and chasing, but she was fine. She did her usual "*Look*! Animals!" and then commented throughout at just about every scene.

I suppose what is sadder is I've had all these Disney movies since before having kids, or before they have been old enough to watch. They are all kind of horrible really if you think about it, themes of abandonment or death, etc. I wasn't sure what I was going to say if she said anything about Mustafah dying, but she just said he was sleeping, phew. I do love a good singalong cartoon though. I might put The Jungle Book on for the next rainy day :)

Grey's Anatomy

Ok, I finally watched the season 4 opener.

WTH is wrong with Meredith??!! Is she nuts? I know the whole "will they, won't they" thing is what continues the drama, but she needs a slap.

I thought the episode was so-so, I know they needed to introduce some new characters and ease back into things with the old ones. Looking forward to catching up to date.

We also watched the finale of House season 3, can't wait to see what happens there (as fast as my download speed will go).

30 Days of Night

I think the creepiest vampires I've ever seen in a movie.

Tony & I went to see this movie tonight. I really wanted to see Saw 4, but we haven't seen 3 yet - that was a bit of a mouthful!

I couldn't imagine living in a place that was permanently dark for a month.

Anyway, gruesome movie!! I kinda like horror and gore though so it was fine. The film was good and it was nice to get out for a few hours :)

Delirious!

I think I'm losing my mind. I'm so tired for some reason I literally cannot think straight -

• I tried to put the milk in the cupboard.
• Tony was talking away tonight and I was nodding away, then he said "oh, you think I'm a wimp?" (lighthearted), me - "hm?", him - "I just said I was a wimp and you nodded", me - "sorry, I was totally not listening".
• We didn't get to eat until nearly 9 so just ate in front of the TV and Tony has this little fold away table thing from the kitchen to put the bread, margarine etc on...well, I brought in the ironing board!

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, I just ended up laughing hysterically. Oh man, it's been a long week. I think I need a Smirnoff Ice tonight!

Medication update

Jack is doing better, thank goodness!

I managed to email his ped on Monday so I didn't forget to mention anything and she's referred us back to talk to the consultants and sent an additional prescription for Domperidone.

He is still not 100%, but MUCH better.

I also think he tried to tell me he was hungry tonight! He came home from school and things were a bit hectic and I was dashing between things so hadn't done his feed straight away. Tony came home (he demands instant cuddles from Tony) and started to get upset and kept lifting his t-shirt and rubbing his tube. Ok, he may have just been itchy, but I asked "Are you hungry, Jack? Should we get your tube? Do you want this?" and he signed yes - though he does say yes to pretty much anything you ask ;-), however, when I started his feed, he was then fairly happy!