New Year's Eve

We had (another) quiet evening. We took the christmas tree and decorations down yesterday as there are just so many new toys cluttering the room. We must convert the garage to a playroom this year! Once the kids were in bed, we played Super Mario Party 8 on the Wii (I won), then watched Children of Men on HD-DVD. We paused a few minutes before midnight to switch to TV and watch the Big Ben chimes and London fireworks. I always feel a bit emotional "ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding done......silence....wait for it.....chime. Happy New Year!" (sorry I'm back and forwards in my tense, I'm writing it on the 1st, but back dating it).

2007. Where has it gone? It just seems to have passed in the blink of an eye.

Ben. The highlight was obviously the birth of our last baby, Ben. It was just a wonderful event and experience. Will I always remember it so vividly? I hope so. I hate the thought that one day I might not recall all of the details or feelings as I do now, it was just so amazing. He was the first baby we didn't find out the gender for, so I think that extra surprise just put the icing on the cake. I'm trying to enjoy everything I can since we'll never have these baby milestones again. He is just so lovely. Cute little face and his emerging personality is pulling me in. He's my most clingy baby but is constantly wanting to explore and sings himself little tunes. His smile, yes, that's what it is all about.

Katie. She has changed so much over this last year. She has gone from just a little baby to a walking, talking, funny character. She did everything late, didn't walk until 20 months old (February) and hasn't stopped since! She is always on the go, she has to touch everything. She certainly only does what she wants to do, very strong willed, but she is so lovely. She cracks me up every day by the things she says and does. She's my little buddy and I think she's really going to enjoy when she goes to playgroup and nursery in 2008. And... when she doesn't think I'm watching, she is very sweet to Jack and helps him a lot. I just don't think she wants to admit to liking her annoying brothers!

Jack. Lots of new things for Jack this year. He started school, how on earth did he get that old? Part time in January, then full time in September. I can't say enough how wonderful I think it is for him. His teachers are lovely and very skilled and patient in all they do. He has come on so much this year. We've had lots of ups and downs. Surgeries, illness, lot's of things haven't changed. He's still tube fed, still can't walk, but the things he can now do? We've had first words, then a whole vocabulary! Some words are very clear, some only we can understand, but he is trying very hard and is dropping some signs in favour of speech. He can count to ten!! He knows some colours. He can now move where ever he wants, shuffling himself across the floor. And something he has never likes - physical contact - he now actively seeks out. He'll get right to your feet and motion with both arms outstretched and wiggling his fingers to be picked up and cuddled :). I think 2008 is going to be a great year for him!

Tony. We get stressed, we get irritated, but I love him more than I ever have. He is my rock. He is a wonderful provider and comforter. He works very hard and never asks for much. He gets very little free/relaxation time, between work, college, DIY, kids, etc. 2007 has been professionally rewarding to him and I'm glad he is getting recognition. He is on the verge of a promotion in January and he deserves it. I want him to be happy in his job. Sometimes he has to travel and I do find it difficult as even though it may only be one day, it's still hard for me, but I know he needs to do it for his own self worth and to allow me to stay home ;-). I might not always say it, but I have a lot of respect for him. He is a real man. Despite what he might think, I am proud to be with him and to share my life with him. We're coming up to 7 years in February, we've had MANY hard times, much heartache, but we are stronger than ever and I love him.

Me. Truth be told, I feel like I've lost myself a little over the years. Whilst I think my job as a mother is extremely important and necessary - I wouldn't change staying home or anything - it has consumed me. I feel like that is my only identity. With Jack being at school, that has provided a huge amount of respite, but we still have many pressing issues with him and it carries through to how I act and react in other areas. I feel like I've been too miserable this year. I have everything I want and really do count my blessings, but it's tough sometimes. My "mistakes" have been that I haven't looked after myself properly in body and spirit. BUT, I am happy and healthy (not today, but mostly ;-) ), I have a wonderful husband who I love and who loves me back, and 3 gorgeous little beings who I would not change for the world. Life is good!

In a way, the end of the year kind of makes me feel a tiiiiiiny bit sad as yes, I can reflect on all the positive and nice things that have happened, but on the other have to actively "think" about the not so nice things to put closure on them - and what if I don't want to say goodbye to the good things either?! It is like we're pressurised into resolving to do *better*, no matter what you might have achieved. On the other hand though, clean slate and a fresh outlook and time to dust the old cobwebs!

Birthday dinner

Every year, we go to my dad's for a christmas dinner/my birthday celebration.

My stepmother does all the cooking and it's nice to just be waited on for a change. It's good to get together as my brother, sister and their respective partner's are all there too. I was very tired this year though, I wasn't completely in the mood, but luckily the kids always provide good entertainment so I don't have to participate too much.

10 months

It was also Ben's "birthday". Double digits. How did he get to be 10 months old already?
He hasn't made any physical progress in the last month. He's still trying hard to crawl, but ends up spinning in circles or swimming backwards. He's got his new brace so hopefully that will help his feet as he still goes over on his ankles if I stand him up.

Regardless of that he can or can't do, he's still my lovely little guy!

Happy Birthday to me

I'm getting too old ;-)

Tony was off work sick yesterday, so still was not feeling well today. I got some headphones for my new Ipod and an SD card for my camera :).

I had a low key day since none of us were very well. We went to a couple of shops, but weren't overly impressed with the sales. I bought a case for Ipod and that's it. We usually like post christmas shopping.

We stopped by Paul and Cheryl's (my brother & his girlfriend) on the way home and he had bought me Scene It? for the Xbox. I was just looking at that a while ago. It was a lot of fun. Paul totally beat us.

Jack, Jack, Jack... so, he can't crawl, stand or walk but that doesn't mean he can't get into trouble. He loves doors! Is fascinated with them. He loves to shuffle in and out and just have a look around. We were playing the quiz and heard Katie say "Oh, Jack, no. Yuck!" He'd just left the room and was only 5 metres away, but thought it would be a good idea to mix their cats' (Toggles, Kuma and Neko) milk, cat food and biscuits all together. Lovely mess, lol.

When we got home and the kids were in bed, Tony & I played again and I won :). I think we decided to do my birthday "properly" when we're feeling better.

Just go away

Stupid illness.

Tony is sicker today. He's only been up for 5 minutes and it's 4pm now. It's a horrible exploding head/burning lungs/painful cough/aching joints/muscle feeling that just will not go away. He only had yesterday and today off work for Christmas and has spent all of it (today) in bed. I know if he's sick tomorrow he'll try to go to work, I might have to chain him up. Poor guy, it must be bad as he would never stay down for no reason.

It's my birthday on Friday, so looks like we'll all be staying in.

Kids have run me ragged too. Sigh, Katie's crying for me again and Jack is too quiet in the other room - he had better not have ruined my laundry pile...! ;-)

Merry Christmas

This is what it is all about, the ability to just spend time together.

The kids were super excited, more so Katie. Jack was overwhelmed by all the gifts and chaos so he didn't have a very good time opening his presents. He did have some fun though. He was happy initially, but started crying after a few gifts. Katie just dived in, she was really cute. Ben played with the paper and boxes, as anticipated!

We had a nice time during lunch, well, tea since it was around 4pm by the time we got to eat. Even though Jack is tube fed, we sat him at the table with us and he seemed to like that and trying to "pull" the christmas crackers. Ben wouldn't keep his hat on ;-).

Bit stressful at times, but overall a good day. All over for another year. Isn't it weird how much anticipation builds up and it is all over in a flash.

December hasn't been a great month, we're all still sick so don't have much energy to really get in the spirit. The amount of tissue we've been through is unreal. If I have to wipe one more nose...!

Santa was good to me. VERY good! I've been complaining about my camera for months and was over the moon to have received a Nikon D40X!!! And an Ipod! Hubby did good :)

I know it's shadowy, but I love how the light catches her face, excuse the nose!

Aw, poor Jack -
Me and my boys -

But, hey

Look at this face and tell me there is not something to smile about (click to enlarge to see just how gorgeous he is!)

I usually do my christmas cards with how ever many kids I have that year, but Jack and Katie wanted nothing to do with it this year... too sick and tired.

I still think Katie's first xmas picture is a classic -

And now

Food poisoning for me. Just kill me now. Ugh.

Stay tuned

We've all been very sick so I haven't felt like blogging.

Highlights since Friday have been Jack's Christmas party hosted by Down Syndrome North East (good fun!!), his paediatrician review yesterday - had a very good chat with his lovely teacher - and Katie's toddler group Christmas party this afternoon (poor baby didn't understand the concept of PASS the parcel).

Will try to catch up soon.

The answer

If ever I was to ask the question "why?", today I got my answer.

Who am I kidding, I ask "why?" quite a lot. Not as in "poor me, I'm so badly done to, let's get the violins out", but more introspective like why was I given to these kids, am I doing a good job, surely they deserve more than me and my feelings when I find it difficult to cope. What is the meaning of it all, what message am I supposed to be learning?

Today was Jack's school Christmas concert. He goes to a fantastic special needs school with kids aged between 3 and 11. It lasted for two hours and I have never been so humbled in my life. I know every parent is very proud on occasions like this, no matter what their child's age or ability, but it just felt different. Extra special.

It started with the older classes doing various singing and dancing from shows like Grease, Mary Poppins, Singing in the Rain, etc. There are some profoundly disabled children there and even though not all can walk or talk, every single child had a role to play and every child went on stage. One of the songs was Over the Rainbow and that really brought the tears to my eyes! To see the innocence and joy on their faces and how special they felt in the spotlight.

Ben and Katie were rather tired as they've both been sick so it was difficult to keep them quiet and I had to go to the back of the hall with Ben at one point, but it was eye opening to watch everyone and just observe.

Jack's foundation class and the younger kids did the nativity story. I kept looking and looking to see him and couldn't find him - and then - there he was. He was wheeled on stage to be one of the innkeepers who said no room at the inn. Well, they knocked on his tray and he waved at them, lol, and signed (Makaton) no. He was beaming! He was moved to the back, but I could still see him and he sat throughout. No getting upset or being bored, just taking it all in. He then came back in the middle of the stage until the end and he just looked so happy.

He of course had no idea we were there. When it was all over, the kids were going for lunch so we went to see him in the corridor and when he saw us he did a double take and was like "woah, HI!!!!" He was very excited to see us. He's never been very touchy feely until recently and was sitting in his chair and waving his fingers for a kiss and cuddle!!

I got lots of pictures and video. I don't know what the quality is like, but I'll sift through them later to see if there is anything to upload.

I was very proud of him. So. For those times I'm pulling my hair out when he is acting up, or feeling frustrated that yet another person wants to make an appointment to complicate my day, I'll remember back to this moment, to seeing him up there, to seeing how hard these kids work and the obstacles they have to face every single day of their lives just to get by... and appreciate that every achievement however small and insignificant it may seem is the reason, or answer to, "why?"!

Sick kids

Poor Katie was pretty ill today, another bad cold. She gets very clingy and emotional when she's sick. She's also teething her bottom molars. She's woken up crying at least 4 times tonight already and her throat seems really sore. We were supposed to be going to a christmas party at her toddler group tomorrow, so looks like that won't happen, she was really looking forward to it! Ben has also been coughing and his nose is constantly running. Jack is ok for now, touch wood. I think it is just a matter of time for him. Looks like he has another infection of his g-tube site though. He has his review with his ped on Monday and the gastroenterologist next Thursday.

Ben...what a sweetheart. He is trying so so hard to move. He's just spinning in circles or going backwards, but I'm hoping he'll crack it in the next couple of weeks. He's up on his arms and looks like he's trying to get up on one knee, but at the last minute ends up flat again. He does seem to be more determined to roll lately, he's done it a few times today :)

Bullies

I know kids are kids, but I was so annoyed at Katie's toddler group today. Same little (older) brat that has hit her in other sessions, whacked her with a toy at snack time and jammed her fingers in the play kitchen. Then later, tried to take away her drum while singing. The mother was nowhere to be seen, he just runs riot. He is a terror and won't be going near her again!! I was right there, but had a hold of Ben at the time and couldn't reach out quick enough. Poor thing, she's coming down with something I think so was really upset, usually she just brushes these things off.

Down in the dumps

I've been feeling out of sorts since Jack's op was cancelled and I tend to withdraw when that happens. Almost seems to be a permanent feeling these days. Sorry my blog has been very quiet!! I've backdated as much as I can remember since then so will hopefully keep up to date from now on.

Thank you Lisa for checking on me, I'm fine. Time to put my big girl pants on and get on with things.

Playgroup

Or pre-school as they are tending to call it lately. I called in today to sign Katie up. We can't really afford more than two mornings a week, so from January she will be going from 9-12 on Mondays and Fridays. I'll stay with her for the first week, then she's on her own! My girl is growing up. I think she'll do alright. It's the first time she'll have been anywhere without family. We go to a toddler group on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, but those are where the parent stays. This is completely children and staff. It's just around the corner from home so that is good too. She already has a place lined up in September for nursery school (funded), which will be every afternoon Mon-Fri, so hopefully by then she'll be used to that environment.

I'll not know what to do. Jack is in full time school, Katie will be gone a couple of mornings, it'll be just me and the little boy - who really is a good baby, so he better not give me any trouble :)

Christmas evening

Jack's school had a little Christmas event tonight. A raffle, music, Santa etc. We thought we'd take the kids to see how it went. Not well! Jack didn't like it at all, too loud, too dark, too many people. Katie was disappointed as I'd accidentally told her it was a party so she was expecting balloons, food, presents (remembering Jack's birthday). Ben was fine!

I thought to heck with it, we'd wait to see Santa anyway, so we endured the queue and tried to keep him occupied as much as possible. When he got to the front he was really starting to object, but when we went in, it was through a silvery, shiny door way thing which he thought was cool! Katie was *very* standoffish when she saw "Santa" as he made his way to the grotto, so I thought she'd not like it, but they both enjoyed it when they got in and talked to him as it was all decorated and had lights.

Santa to Katie "and what would you like for Christmas?"
Katie "an owl".

Um, ok, lol.

She was particularly happy when she received a little bag of sweets and Jack and Ben some bubbles!

We left after that and though I wanted to give up, I faked it with them when we got to the car and tried to keep things very upbeat and they had a great journey home. Katie was constantly "Ooooooh! Look at the lights, LOOK!!!!" as we drove past decorated houses.

They all enjoyed the bubbles at home :)

Ben's feet

I took him to get measured for a different type of shoe on Monday as he keeps escaping the current ones and hurting his feet. They look very cool, like little spaceman boots. Hopefully they'll be ready soon. He finally saw the consultant today and says his feet are "coming along". I was feeling a bit down and disappointed though as in the waiting room, there was another boy Ben's age who had surgery on the same day as him back in June and his feet are perfect now. We go back in another 3 months where I guess he'll decide whether Ben needs another operation.

He told me the date of Jack's new surgery while I was there. Great news, it's not too much of a delay. Bad news, it's on 16th January - Tony's birthday!!!!!! Something like this always happens, we can never celebrate anything on time. Miscarriage on our anniversary in 2004, surgery for Jack two days before christmas in 2005, surgery for him the day before his birthday 2006. Sigh. Ignore me, I'm in a fed up mood.

Bowling

We finally got round to taking my brother and his girlfriend - that was supposed to be for her birthday in August! Every time we've tried to arrange it between then and now, something has come up on either end.

My mam came to mine so the kids could be at home, then Tony & I went to Paul's and watched Mission Impossible III on HD DVD. Very impressive quality. The movie was good and action packed, but a little cheesy in parts.

We then went bowling and I got absolutely thrashed! I won the last time we went and was 33 weeks pregnant at the time! Nothing went right tonight, I couldn't find the right ball - that's my excuse, lol. We went back to theirs when we were finished and they treated us to kebab and chips. Yum.

It was a nice few hours break, much needed after this weekend.

My little doggy

We went to the library this morning and happened upon a christmas activity morning. It was going great, Jack was even being good - until the puppet in the show he was watching let go of a half filled balloon and he went THROUGH THE ROOF! We couldn't get him to stop crying no matter what we did or where we moved him so we had to cut it short.

Katie was able to write a letter to Santa, decorate a xmas stocking and get her face painted though. It was a little smudged by the time I could take a picture as she was crying when we had to leave :(