Hospital - this is going to be long, sorry.

So, you know that Radioactive guy from Heroes? That was me today. Have you ever been so ANGRY that you wanted to explode?

I get to the hospital with the kids at 11. Try for ages to find a parking space and can get nothing. I had to come back in 3 times and finally went for a disabled space (Jack has a permit) away from the hospital, same grounds, just not main area. I didn't want to use the carrier, so had Jack and Ben in the buggy and let Katie walk, fun.

Finally get the the ward and they direct me to the playroom. Small room, 3 kids myself, two other families there for pre-admission. Wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Nurse comes, takes a history, weighs him, SATS, temperature, BP, wait and wait and wait and wait. Lunch has been and gone. As Jack is tube fed he didn't get a hot meal and Katie was drooling at the other kids eating (in the playroom!) so I had to occupy her with a chicken sandwich, crisps, juice and yoghurt, set Jack up with his tube feed, feed Ben in the buggy.

Wait some more. One kid gets sent home as he has a cold so his surgery is put back, I'm left with the other family. Outgoing lady, talking non-stop, not always to me, just herself, singing at the radio. I'm beginning to get frustrated. Becomes clear we're there for the afternoon and won't be going to playgroup. Mr Bliss' SHO (junior?) stops by "I don't have your son's notes, why don't you start at the beginning, tell me all about him, why he's here".... KABOOM!!!!!!!!! Seriously! Where the f do you want me to start?? 4 years of his history, everything is relevant? I think she regretted asking due to all her writing. He's up to 3 files now in his notes, I am SICK TO DEATH OF "STARTING FROM THE BEGINNING" EVERY TIME HE GOES TO HOSPITAL - A LOT!!! I *just* gave the summary to the nurse with his current medication, I don't want to tell it to you again. I think I did very well to keep that reaction internal ;-).

Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

Katie is hyper by now, Ben has not slept a wink since 10.45, it's around 4pm at this point, he's screaming. 4.20, still haven't seen the doctor, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, throw something, beg for mercy. It wouldn't even be so bad if he had been given a bed on the ward - it was a small playroom!

Finally get to see the consultant. His surgery will be the 28th, on the basis his g-tube infection is cleared. He was due to be admitted on the 27th, but would literally be sitting in a bed doing nothing all day so persuaded him to let us come in early on the 28th. Yipee. One less night in hospital and Jack gets to make his school trip to see the christmas lights at the garden centre on the 27th.

He explains what is going to happen. He will open up Jack's leg and foot. Move some muscle, switch some tendons (don't know about the bone, Katie was tearing paper towels at this point) and put pins in his leg and cast him. He said it will be an extensive operation, almost seemed apologetic. He's a nice guy though so I am confident in him. He explained the risk of infection is high so he will not close the skin. As Jack's foot is not formed correctly, his skin is sort of fleshy and he said with the trauma it would not knit together at that stage, so he will recover in hospital maybe 3-4 days, come home and go back two weeks later. This second stage, he will manipulate the leg and foot further and can then stitch him up as the skin will be healed and cast him again. 4 weeks after this, he'll come back again (all of these are under general anaesthetic), another revision and remove the pins and he'll get the "final" cast? This one for 3 months. He says this is as much as he can do at this point. He does not think it will necessarily help Jack to walk or stand, but he'll have everything in place for if he does. He suspects more surgery in the future (I guess years down the line), but this is as good as he will get. Once he is healed, Jack will go into AFO's (ankle/leg supports).

I didn't get to ask about Ben, though he knows I will see him again next week. By this time it was almost 5pm and I had to leave to get Tony from work.

I was furious. Not at the doctor, just at the situation. Why did I have to be there almost 6 hours? I could have gone home and the kids could have had a 3 hour (yeah right, but in theory ;-) ) nap with the gap I was sat doing nothing. But of course "he'll be here soon". It is always one thing or another, the bureaucracy is crippling.

As I recounted this tale to Tony on the drive home he said "I'm kind of surprised you're in such a good mood". I wasn't in a good mood ;-). At this point though, it was either put the afternoon down to a bad experience and let it go, or I think I may have cracked up. Yes, I should have listened when he suggested last night I ask my mam to come to the hospital when she was finished work to take Katie and Ben home, but the past 3 times, we've been out by 1-1.30. I really wanted to take him to the toddler group. When it became obvious we were there for the long haul, it was too late. She has no car and would have had to get 2 buses to get there.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Breathe.

Nothing else to do but hope the infection gets cleared (6 days of antibiotics left), ring the hospital the night before his op to see what the nil by mouth (ha, nil by tube) instructions are and what time we need to go in for on the 28th.

I am really trying to have a positive attitude for all of this, but am failing miserably. I'm just on autopilot. I need to *live*. I don't know how may times I have sat and looked within myself and hated what I am seeing, what I am becoming, promising to do better tomorrow. My kids deserve a better mother, my husband a happier wife, I am so thankful for what I do have, why can't I show that? So, tomorrow....I will make it a better day.