Not.
Just had a visit from Jack's psychologists. It went on forever so I've missed my doctors appointment again!
Anyway, got the distinct impression that yes, they're not disputing that he has problems, but that I have maybe a "defeatist" attitude. That's my words and I may be wrong in my impression, but way to go to make me feel worse than I do. I think they think that when we go out, I am already thinking it's going to be awful, so it is. Many times I've kept my outlook light and conveyed that to Jack "we're going to have a great time, Jack", it makes no difference. They think he will outgrow it, but I'm sure they think it is as much me as it is him.
He has not been diagnosed with anything, he's had CT scan, pressure monitoring, they say there is no medical reason and is learnt behaviour. He does not act like this for school, even if they are out on a trip for hours, so for whatever reason, it is something to do with his relationship with me, or maybe the kids or whatever. They don't know what sparked it for him, why he'd do it even for fun things (park, library) but it is a bad habit.
You know, I've tried just about everything. I don't think it is only communication frustration, I can tell the difference. There is an obvious difference in his gestures, intonation, actions when he's trying to tell us something, or he wants something... compared to this sheer screaming and shouting (angrily) as soon as we even pull into a car park. And then continuing until we stop it. He doesn't get his way. It may not be fun, but we need to do things so he has to do it. He doesn't get an out, so it's not like he thinks "if I just make some noise I can go home and I'll get what I want". We've tried rewards, tried different modes of transportation, or when he's in the trolley/cart - forward facing, rear facing, in his pram, sitting on his own, next to Katie, next to Ben, carried.
She seemed to project a lot onto her assumptions of what I must feel like. That I usually let Tony push the trolley and bear the brunt of Jack while I'm a little ahead if shopping and just getting what we need = I'm detached? No, it means I'm not big enough to manoeuvre the thing with at least two kids and food in it, so Tony does it. Plus, I know more what we need ;-)
Just feeling despondent at this moment.
I know there are some changes I need to make, I know I need to use more Makaton with him and I need to experiment more with taking him somewhere with one specific goal in mind, short sharp attack if you will, then get out, give him a reward, stickers, whatever so he knows he can trust me that it is not always unpleasant to be out, then build up from there. Really though, like I *want* him to act like this? I would give ANYTHING to be able to go out with my husband and children as a family for even 30 minutes and everyone have a good time. Of course it is not easy. Of course it's not nice wondering whether we'll ever be able to even have a holiday together. Am I just supposed to trust this is a normal phase (been going on precisely 2 years and 3 months now)? Believe me, I would love to believe he will grow out of it.
I rang Tony, he said they are patronising, I hope he doesn't escalate it until we talk properly.
Blah.
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4 comments:
Did she have anything positive to say ?! ((((Kelly))))
It's really easy for someone to breeze in, make a diagnosis, based on very limited knowledge about any given situation.
Did she spend the day with you, observe you taking Jack & the other kids out shopping, running errands, etc ? Or is she just assuming a lot of things ?
If you're weary of taking Jack out, because it's usually a difficult experience due to his behavior, you feel that way based on your experience as his Mum.
It's really not uncommon for a father to be pushing the child(ren) around while the mother gets the groceries, etc...so I don't understand her comment. And really each family is unique in their own way, and the parents have to figure out what works for them.
Would you pushing Jack help him act up less ? I don't know. It might be worth giving it a try to find out.
But what if Jack acts up for you & Tony, because he's more comfortable with his family, than he is with his teachers, and it doesn't have anything to do with you at all ?
What are you suppose to do then ?
You can't be held captive by a child. That's not reasonable. If you need to go out, you need to go out.
If she can't give you any helpful suggestions to improve the situation, or help you cope with the challenges you face on a daily basis, maybe she should just be quiet !
ARGH
Sorry this is so long.
~Lisa
Hey Lisa, I'm just leaving to pick Katie up so will reply this afternoon when kids are in bed.
Hey again, sorry I was late.
It was just really odd. On one hand she says she really admires me and what we go through with the boys and that she uses my case as an example in her meetings of how competent(?) I am, yet I still get the impression she thinks I'm holding myself back. I may have just been totally PMS'ing and taking it all wrong. Maybe she has a point, I do dread going out with him, but I try hard not to project that to him.
She's shadowed us while out only once and her assistant has once, but she's seen him at home (where he's mostly fine) a number of times and at school a lot - where he is an angel!
I've tried pushing him too and it makes no difference. He doesn't do it for his teachers so it must be something do do with us. Maybe it is true that he feels safer to be his true self with us, we'll always be there and he doesn't need to impress us, but I just don't understand WHY. Why would he do it when he could have so much more positive attention for being good. Why wouldn't he like to go to the library for some fun, or to the park? She says there may not be a why, it is just the stage he is in. That it is more frustrating to me because I'm putting adult feelings onto him as I've said he can't be very happy and she said why not? He stops as soon as we go, he's not traumatised, he doesn't act upset or dwell on it, it may just be something he does. For noise, or who knows. There are no tears when he cries so she doesn't think he is really upset upset, more like mad.
It's just so hard though. We've tried many things and for a long time for consistency, but so far nothing has stuck with him. I know she is doing her job, I mean she has a phD (super qualified), and I do think she does think I cope well, but at the end of the day she can go home. She can see him for a couple of hours and say try this or that, or that he will outgrow it, but I'm living it and it's not that simple or easy. You wouldn't believe how much it eats away not even being able to go to the post office for a stamp without him crying. I got all the kids dressed and kitted up to go for a walk around the block on Sunday night, we didn't even stop anywhere, he was fine until the second to last corner and just started up for no reason at all!
Oh good, so she did say some positive comments about you. ;-)
For one thing, you have three kids close together in age, so that in itself is challenging to juggle, even without the other challenges you face every day.
Have you ever taken Jack out alone ?
I'm wondering if he acts up, because he's attempting to get all of your attention ?
I can relate to how difficult it is on a Mom, to be stuck in the house. It makes you feel trapped.
I'm glad you can get a break while Jack is at school. It's important for a Mother to get a break from the kids. It gives you a chance to recharge your batteries, and spend some one-on-one time with your baby.
You really are an amazing person, and Mum.
~Lisa
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